Peru, Ayahuasca and the death of my grandma.

Starting this journey was intimidating. Not speaking Spanish and navigating the Lima airport was intense to say the least. My layover barely left me enough time to pee before heading to Cusco. The drive from the Cusco airport to our retreat home gave me a glaring view of the realities of life in a third world country. Dwellings my brain wouldn’t even process as homes until I noticed a Direct TV dish on the side or curtains in a window cutout. While taking in those realities I was also absorbing the absolute beauty of the environment. The beautiful mountains, the free roaming alpacas and cows, the many dogs and the children playing outside. Over time the things I would view as disparaging faded away and as we visited town or encountered locals, I began to see the deep love and resiliency of the people there. This is not to say their struggles don’t affect them but the way they carry themselves and welcome outsiders is inspiring. I hope for the land and the people there that they prosper. I have never encountered such deserving souls in my life. 

During our drive  from the airport to the retreat home, the other women I was with were describing how intensely they had prepared for this, for all our ceremonies. They spoke to and about their wombs and seemed so in tune with their bodies that I began to shrink inside. I had not gone as extreme in my prep, and I certainly had never communicated with my womb. I felt myself wish to disappear. I’d gone into this so disconnected from myself. Did I even belong here? I was flooded with doubt and imposter syndrome. When we arrived at the house I showered and then made my way out to the communal space. The host, Justice, presented me with a beautiful gift. I had recently assisted her and another instructor on a retreat, and they had gone in together on this beautiful necklace for me. I immediately began to cry. I was feeling too many things, many that were not good, and here I was being awarded. Justice and the two other facilitators, Ellie and Natalia, began to sing and play the guitar, and they were singing to me. Singing these beautiful words of worthiness and being open. I felt even smaller and  more undeserving of this experience. I began to cry even harder. They didn’t know what a fraud I was, how little I belonged there. I felt ashamed and unworthy of this experience. Not “spiritual” enough to deserve all this. Ellie called me over, laid me on her lap and began to rub my head as she sang to me. I cried so many tears that had been held in for so long. Warm tears just streaming down. These women became my first medicine ceremony. Their pure love and acceptance, their ability to see me, cleansed my heart and soul in a way that no one had been able to do. Ever. I felt so cared for, safe and held. I felt so accepted and seen. After that cry I felt lighter, I felt that I belonged there, and my soul felt cleansed. This was just day one. It was an incredible foreshadowing of the healing that was to come. 

The first evening we met a woman named Rena who held a despacho ceremony for us. She is a Q’ero, a Quechua speaking Indigenous woman whose people evaded Spanish colonization and remained hidden until the 1940s when they reemerged. The Q’ero are thought to be the last living direct descendants of the Incas. They kept their language and sacred traditions alive through all that time. To this day Rena doesn’t speak Spanish, she speaks her native language. Rena had brought her son to translate the Quechua to Spanish and another gentleman who translated the Spanish to English for us. It was beautiful to witness how intentional, sacred, and meaningful the despacho ceremony was. The ceremony is a way to show gratitude to Pachamama (mother earth)  and los Apus (the spirits of the mountains, lakes and rivers). These ceremonies can be held to express gratitude, ask for guidance or a specific request, celebrate a birth or honor a person in death, and more. She opened our space and began to build a despacho bundle for the offering. She opened one white sheet of paper and another that was colorful and floral. She was building one offering for Pachamama and one for los Apus, both to be included in the bundle. She offered things like candy, chocolate, cookies, small toys, statues of important spiritual figures and animals, charms, seeds, flowers, and llama fat. All the offerings for Pachamama were bright and colorful, vibrant, fun, feminine. For los Apus everything was mostly white or light colored. The offering was more masculine, lacking color and vibrancy but just as beautiful and bountiful like the other one. Every item she added she prayed over it first and then placed it in a very intentional pattern. The offering was art in itself, beautiful offerings of gratitude. Once she finished building them, they were wrapped in a bundle and tied neatly together. We then stood around the fire and burned the bundle as a spiritual offering. It was such an honor to witness it and to have received her prayers as she also prayed over each of us with coca leaves and placed them in the offering. 

The second day we went with a local to a spot near the water by our home. He shared so much about their culture, stories of the mountains, and rituals with us. Then we went with him to visit some ancient ruins. Learning more about how the people settled, lived, and built during that time. The view was breathtaking and learning how they built their dwellings was amazing. I can’t even imagine the back breaking process it took. It was amazing to see alpacas so up close as there were some grazing the land we were on. I can’t put into words how beautiful the view was or how the land felt, all I can convey is how thankful I am that I had the opportunity to visit. 

On our third day we had a Kambo ceremony with Natalia. Kambo is a secretion from a frog from the amazon rainforest. It has been used for thousands of years by Indigenous tribes in the amazon. It was used to heal and strengthen the mind and spirit, clear bad luck and even help to sharpen their hunting skills. To use it in ceremony the facilitator uses a root to burn a small circle on your skin, known as a “gate,” the secretion is then placed on the gate. The body eventually purges, and the journey begins. It is a different experience for everyone. I was so scared of the purge, what it would be like, how violent it would feel in the body and what would come up for me. With a mind so clouded with self-doubt, shame, and critique I worried I was in for a hard experience. I had prayed for gentle guidance and experiences in all the medicine ceremonies we were going to partake in. I continued that prayer as we began. Shortly after the Kambo was placed on me I felt the heat rise in my body. I could feel it crawling up my body from within and eventually I knew the purge was coming. I went to my tree I had picked out knowing that’s where I’d go when the time came and I threw up, a few times. Once that passed, I was overcome with an immense feeling of peace and contentment. So much so that it almost felt like nothing was happening. It took me a moment to realize that this was my experience. I was being given the gift of pure peace, happiness and contentment, feelings that had evaded me for so long or had only presented themselves in small doses before. It could be viewed that nothing happened, I didn’t see anything or have a large emotional response or release or download new codes of information. However,  I now realize that this sense of safety, happiness and contentment WAS a new code. This was a feeling that I wanted to hold on to forever. A feeling that I knew I would have to work with intention to feel again and recreate for myself. Then I realized that this was exactly what I needed. I need this feeling, I need to feel safe and comfortable after my purge, to feel ready and safe to enter our Ayahuasca ceremony which was only two days away. I needed to know that purging didn’t have to be scary and that on the other side I could feel peace. 

On day four we visited Pitusiray Lake, also known as unity lake. A lake at least14,000 ft above sea level in the mountains. This lake is accompanied by a Myth, here is what I found about it:

 “Pitusiray and Sawasiray are the stars of the myth of this lake. Their love story was passed down through story in the province of Calca, Cusco region. Orqo Waranqa was a Kuraka from the town of Urco. He was the Father of the beautiful Pitusiray, her mother was a princess from the Yungas. As a woman she fell in love with Sawasiray. Her father had some land that was dying, because the scarcity of water made it unproductive, which is why one day he offered Pitusiray's hand to anyone who could bring water to the dry land. Kuntisiray and Sawasiray, lords of neighboring regions competed in this seemingly impossible task. It is said that Sawasiray tried to guide the water down the side of the Sunqu Qhata hill and due to the short time available he failed in his attempt. Kuntisiray built a large well on a hill and the water began to flow down the platforms of a stream, becoming the legitimate winner. The princess could not do anything other than obey the orders from her father. Her marriage to Kuntisiray was promised. The days passed and, unable to bear the thought of being without her true love Sawasiray,  Pitusiray ran in search of him. Once united they proceeded to flee towards the hills, believing that they could take refuge in distant lands. However, they were caught by warriors of Orqo Waranqa and the scorned Kuntisiray, and as punishment they were petrified and turned into snowy mountains. These snow-capped mountains rise today behind the province of Calca, one is known as the Pitusiray snow-capped mountain, the other is the Sawasiray snow-capped mountain, and behind the two mountains are the Kuntisiray snow-capped mountains.”

Our drive to this sacred site was along the side of a mountain. One point during the drive the car couldn’t take the turn, and we had to REVERESE on the very narrow side of the mountain and try to punch it around the corner. In a small car that was probably from the early 2000’s. My anxiety went into overdrive! I closed my eyes and prayed for protection and safety, assured myself that these drivers know what they are doing and have done this drive many times. Needless to say, we conquered the turn and made our way up the rest of the mountain. We had gone to town prior to gather flowers and fruits to use to make an alter for an offering to the lovers suspended in the mountains. My contribution was a pomegranate. Something about it just reminds me of that true and passionate love. You have to peel away the top layer but then within lies an abundance of juicy, vibrant seeds, in this case seeds of love. The color of pomegranates also just exudes love to me, it felt like the right item to choose. Once we arrived at the site of the lake, we found our spot and started to assemble our offering. So many beautiful flowers intentionally and delicately placed, so many delicious fruits that for one reason or another reminded us all of the love we were celebrating and symbolizing with our offering. After our alter was complete we all laid down around it in a circle and held hands. Feeling the vibration of the love and energy flowing through us and surrounding our offering with care and love. After, we partnered up and participated in eye gazing practice. Each having the opportunity to be in our feminine and be more receiving of the loving energy and to be in our masculine and give the energy to each other. Natalia then served some of us Hape which is a traditional snuff used by Indigenous tribes in the Amazon. We had also had this before our Kambo ceremony. It is the ceremonial use of tobacco snuff that is grounding, calming, cleansing, nootropic, and mildly euphoric. The Hape assisted in this deep connection to this place we were in. I felt instantly grounded and found myself talking with Natalia about some deeply personal emotions. Just like she had on day one with the others, she just allowed me to feel, be seen and heard, and met me with love and acceptance and the kindest eyes and the warmest hug. This place filled my heart with love and hope. I prayed thank you to the souls of the lovers petrified there in the mountains, thank you for letting us all witness them, for being such an example of the depths of love. 

Day five, Ayahuasca day! The ceremony was not until the evening so during the day we had a silent morning, some gentle movement and meditation and just time to be within, gather and ready ourselves for the journey. My nerves were mostly in check until we got to the ceremony space. It was a room, sort of hut like, with a few large windows and no lights. The restrooms were outside, noting to myself how much I hoped I wouldn’t need to use them during the ceremony. We were there a little early and while we settled into our seats and got our personal space ready, I prayed with my mala at least three times all the way around. Praying for gentle guidance, for my body to handle the medicine with grace and to allow myself to be open to whatever needed to come through. When the time came for the ceremony to start my heart was racing. The wave of anxiety and excitement was pounding within me as I approached our facilitator to drink my cup. It took a little bit of time until I began to feel the shift from within and I began to hear the whispers of her spirit. Grandmother Aya had fully arrived within my consciousness. She was reminding me to open my heart. To love myself and to nourish my body, mind, and soul. She told me how much she knew I criticized and critiqued myself regularly. Her reminder to me was that when I pour love into myself, I can then give that love back to others. She helped me remember who I am. A soul, on a journey who has been here many times and will likely be here many more. She helped me to let go of the fixation on how perfect or imperfect I look and the emphasis on my physical beauty (or lack thereof as I constantly told myself) and that it is nothing but a vessel for my soul. A vessel that I should treat with care and respect. She softened my heart around the sadness I have felt for never becoming a mother, telling me that I have been a mother before and I will be again. It’s not important if it’s in this life or the next. I need not worry about that and also to remember there are many ways to “mother” and support others and I am doing some of those things already. My hands became hers as she held  my face with her grandmother’s embrace. She told me that my eyes travel with my soul, they will be with me in every life. She helped me understand that I am on the path of a healer, that the work I am drawn to is that, and that it is a privilege and a gift to be on this path. What she emphasized most was I have to love myself to properly give that love away to others. To truly show up for others I have to let go of that pain inside I have from so much self-loathing. I have to forget the critiques of my vessel and just love and nourish it along with my soul. 

At some point I felt that my mom was with me. My left hand became hers. It felt smaller and frailer in comparison to mine, just as hers was. My hands clasped and it was like she was there holding my hand. We had such deep talks, and I felt her love so purely and deeply. My hands became her chest as I rested my cheek on them. I felt like I was a newborn laying on her chest, that first skin to skin contact and once again in that bubble of love between mother and new child. I felt it as if it were real, and more importantly she was there getting to have this moment once again for herself too. I knew this moment was a gift for both of us and that this moment was healing years of pain and distance that we felt from each other. We stayed like that for a while, I could feel her finger tracing my nose, cheeks, and lips as you would a newborn baby. Warm tears streamed down my face. During one of our talks after that moment I asked if she would come into my dream that night and hug me. She said we could do it now and then my arms embraced myself and I felt our hearts hugging in this embrace. The tears poured from me, and I cried out a heavy and deep cry. This was how my purge came. This was the release and peace that I needed. Stories that had been created from things she did and said to me as a child evaporated. Perceptions that I had made about myself lifted. They were finally washed away and no longer had any impact on my self-perception and worth. 

Towards the end of our experience on this Ayahuasca journey I asked my mom to call my grandma in to her and told her they could have this moment too. They had also had an exceedingly difficult relationship through most of my mom’s life. I told her they could find healing together and feel this love flow through them. While I was travelling to Peru my grandma had been admitted to the hospital, so I knew the veil was thin around her. I also knew how much she has just wanted to let go and be back with my mom. She always talked about how much she missed her whenever I saw her. I knew my mom understood what I was saying and that she wanted that moment with her mom too. She continued to hold my hand and promised to stay until the end of the ceremony, which would be when the candle was lit. I just sat with her crying and feeling the depth of this experience. Thanking this plant, this space, and my mom for all that had happened. When that candle was lit, I told her how much I loved her and kissed my hand just as the feeling of her left me. Once again, my hand was just my own, that delicate feeling it had when it was hers just slipped away. 

We had a few more days in Pisac after that but I will keep some of the memories and experiences just for me. Every day here I shed layers that were surrounding my heart, keeping it hidden and “safe.” I am realizing now that keeping it so safe and hidden was keeping me hidden, keeping me in the shadow of myself. I vow to never forget the lessons and insights I learned here. This sacred valley is exactly that, it feels like a sacred portal here on earth. You see past the crumbling infrastructure and things that may seem uncomfortable from a first world perspective, and you see all the smiles of the people. You feel the deep history here, the ripples of many sacred rituals and energy that surround that land. You see children laughing and playing marbles in town or holding baby chickens so sweetly in their hands and offering it to us to play with. The people are tapped into a full and vibrant vibration of love here. Someone like me who has grown up in the US will easily spot the perceived lack and discomfort. Coming from a place where majority of us have what we need and want, and yet we rarely find this sort of peace among each other, especially these days. With all of our abundance and opportunity it feels like we have lost some of our humanness. There is a middle ground somewhere, having the comforts and abundance of a first world country and the resilience and spirit that comes with the lack of a third world country. Balancing the lessons of both seems important. 

On my way home I had learned that my grandma was sent home, so seemingly she had taken a turn for the better and could be released. I returned home on Halloween evening after 26 hours of travel. I took Friday to myself to do laundry, catch up on a few things and start to integrate the lessons of this journey. Saturday, I taught a yoga class, ran some errands, and then just relaxed at home. I had planned to see my grandma on Sunday. Saturday evening, we got a call from her assisted living home, she had passed away in her sleep. This day happened to be November 2nd, the day during Dia de los Muertos in which adult spirits can cross over and be with us. I genuinely believe my mom came over while the veil between worlds was so thin and she got my grandma and took her with her. I imagine them embracing and looking at each other with pure love, my mom getting to be that newborn resting on my grandma’s chest and my grandma getting to feel that first moment of love with her daughter once again. 

This trip to Peru was the greatest of my entire life. It could easily be assumed that everything in my Ayahuasca journey simply came from my subconscious, and maybe that’s true. But honestly, does it matter? It was realer to me than anything I have felt in my life. It gifted me powerful lessons, pure love in my heart and the courage to boldly love myself, to pour that love into others and to pursue my dreams. To me that’s all that matters, and to be clear I do believe it was the magic of the medicine that allowed me to feel and receive all of that, and I do think all of it was real.